Raising The Children !! By Chief(Dr) Florence Ajimobi
Raising The Children !! By Chief(Dr) Florence Ajimobi.
“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,The fruit of the womb is a reward.Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth.Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.”
Honestly, being a mother is one of the things I enjoy the most. Though children take a lot of your time, energy, and love, every moment you spend with them should be cherished because they are simply worth it. Having five beautiful and amazing children, I have had to learn with time the things God expects from me as a mother. Raising children doesn’t come with a manual or blueprint. You only have the option of turning to God for wisdom as well as learning on the job.
I had my 1st child and daughter at the age of 21. I turned 22 the month after I had her. Her sister, Abimbola came exactly 4 months after her 1st birthday. My 3rd daughter, Ajibola came exactly a month before Abimbola turned 2 years old. I was still working when I had Ajibola but I resigned my paid employment when she turned 5 months old. I am sure you will agree with me that having 3 children in the space of 4 years and working full time isn’t the easiest thing to do. My son, Abolaji and 4th child came 3 months before his sister, Ajibola turned 4. My last child and daughter, Ajijola was born 5 months before my son turned 10 years old. We call her our ‘love child’ because I had her at almost 40 and my husband almost 50. Raising her was not stressful at all. I had sufficient help. My three older daughters were matured enough, so they helped a lot in taking care of her and they did it well. In fact, at that time, I called them small mummies.
Motherhood takes a lot from you as well as it gives you a lot more. The day you become a mother, your entire life changes. You no longer have the chance to be selfish about your life because a tiny human being will be positively or negatively affected by your decision. Motherhood is synonymous with sacrifice. At some point in your life, you would have to sacrificed something for your children. In my own case, it was my job. I wasn’t really interested in pursuing the career I had started and my business was more important to me. I guess this made the decision to leave the job very easy. I also understood then that there is time for everything in life. It was time for my family. It was time to raise my children the way I knew best. There was absolutely no way I could I have raised them the way I wanted whilst still in paid employment.
Starting my own business full time gave me all the time I needed in the world for them. It was stressful at the beginning, but I enjoyed every experience and I am grateful to God for the privilege. I remember that I would drop off my 1st and 2nd daughters at the nursery and go back home to attend to my baby. I cooked their meals myself. I had to set up a time-table for their meals as they grew older, because they always came up with different food request.
I mentioned earlier that raising children doesn’t come with a user’s manual. You must fashion out a pattern that works for your home. No two families are the same, so you can’t copy a pattern from another family and expect that it works for you. You must understand each of your children. Your children are not the same and so, the same pattern may not work for all two or three of them.
Children will always behave like children. One thing that I know that I did right was making it clear from their toddler age, the things that I expect from them. I pampered them a lot but never spoilt them. They knew where to draw the line. As much as I love to play and have fun with my children, I am a disciplinarian and like many Nigerian mothers, they understood my eye and body language. It may sound too good to be true, but when you make your expectations clear from the time your children are toddlers, they internalize those expectations and begin to expect the same thing from themselves. Since children are naturally inclined to want to please their parents, they’ll try to behave in the way that you’ve taught them till they are independent of parental involvement. In fact, from experience, children as young as 18 months are empathetic and responsive to their parents’ expectations. Teaching self-discipline to young children isn’t as daunting as it sounds. If you focus on the essentials starting at around age 2, they will definitely catch on faster, resist less, and ultimately behave better. I will share a few tips that helped me to be a great parent to my children:
Have a Supportive Partner
I must honestly commend my dear husband who, though always busy, lent a helping hand whenever he could, especially during the weekends. He dedicated Sundays to our family. Every blessed Sunday, he would take me and the children to Ikoyi Club. Four years into our marriage, my husband was posted to Ibadan. I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to raise our children alone. Their father must be part of their lives. As you can guess, we went to Ibadan together. Nine years later, he was posted to Togo and you are right to guess again that we all went with him. Aside my personal interest of not wanting to be away from my husband (not giving the devil any chance), I also didn’t want our children to have that gap in their life. Though the constant movement was stressful, as they had to change schools each time we moved, I do not regret it at all because the results have been nothing short of wonderful.
Despite the fact my husband was a Muslim, he allowed me to take my children to church on Sundays and we prayed together daily. In fact, sometimes when he was around, he would drop us off and pick us up from church. God bless his soul.
Introduce Them to God
Teaching your children about God, whether you are a Muslim or Christian is very important. Apart from the fact that you are securing their eternity, you are securing their future. Letting them know that God is their only source and helper will aid their journey through life. Even when they face challenges, they will remain confident in the truth that God loves them and will always be there for them. You, as a parent will not always be there for them. They will leave you at some point. Teaching them about faith is the best gift you can ever give to them.
Establish Family Values and Morals
My first two girls went off to America at the age of 17 and 16. I travelled to see them every other month, not because we could afford it, but I wasn’t going to let them forget all the values that we had instilled in them. It was important that they don’t forget their roots. When I went to visit and they come asking for permission to go out, I told them to do exactly what they did when I was not with them. I had to teach them to be responsible even without supervision. For me, once your kids turn 16, just watch them as they grow older and whatever is not right in them is definitely your mistake, which is correctable in the other children. Remember, parenthood isn’t ownership.
I also made sure they both came home for Christmas every year. They had to understand the importance of family.For summer holidays, we made the 3 younger ones go to their sisters in America. That was our own way of making them learn to live with each other without mum and dad teaching them to accommodate and tolerate one another. My husband was the dad that dotted so much over his children and hardly said ‘No’ to them. Each time I complained about this and begged him to agree with me on some matters or speak with one voice, he would say in Yoruba “iya omo Jemi laiye ti mo koko wa”. He loved all of them so much and they knew it. My children believed they could do anything they wanted to do and get whatever they wanted from their dad, so since I am the tough one, I remained firm when they start to throw tantrums when their demands aren’t met. I always tell my friends that if there was an election in my family, I will definitely lose.
Include Them in House Chores
From age 10, the children took turns to cook during the weekends. Every Saturday, our eldest child made breakfast and lunch and on Sundays, our 2nd child cooked breakfast and lunch. When they left home for school, the next two children took turns as well. My son turned out to be the best cook in our home surprisingly.
Tell Them Why
I don’t really give my children elaborate explanations for why I expect certain behaviors from them, but I make them understand that there are simple reasons for my rules. For example, when I tell my children to go to bed at a particular time, and they question me, I simply tell them “You need to go to bed at 8 o’clock because your body needs a lot of sleep to stay strong and healthy and you have to wake up at 6 o’clock to get ready for school” or I tell them “You have to put away your toys in the right place so we’ll know where to find them next time you want to play.”
Applaud Them
No matter how little what they do may seem, I praise them. Whether it’s making the bed, helping set the table, or letting their brother play with their toys, I commend them. I say things like “It’s great that you remembered the rule to make your bed. I’m so proud of you when you behave like a big girl” or, “You were so polite to say ‘please’ when you asked me for candy. Good girl.”
Follow your own Rules
I try as much as possible to follow the rules that I set for my children. For example, when I tell them “no talking while eating”, I don’t talk when I eat. When I say, “No yelling at your sister or at each other”, I avoid screaming at them even when I am frustrated or angry (though with all my efforts, they still complain that I shout a lot). Doing these things will show children that just as they have rules to follow, so do you. When children see you behaving well, they’ll want to do the same. Being a good example is very important because you are their first role model.
Allow them make Decisions
I give my children the opportunity to make choices as soon as they’re old enough to understand. I ask questions such as, “Do you want to wear your Princess pyjamas or your nightgown?” “Which flavor drink do you want to take to school, a Caprisone or Ribena?” Once children can manage these small decisions, take it up a notch. If your child is fighting with their sibling, for example, instead of yelling “Don’t do that” or giving them a time-out, I encourage a “try again” attitude.It is normal for you to want to do everything for them, but it is important to let preschoolers practice and succeed without your intervention, whether it’s tying their shoes, putting away toys, or washing their underwear each night before going to bed.
Make Them Think Things Out
Stretch your child’s cognitive skills by challenging him to find answers for himself. For example, when your child asks a question about how to do something, respond with a question of your own: “What do you think you should do?” Such a response will eventually give him confidence in his or her own ability to figure things out
Have a Bonding and Gist Time
Once they get to the age of 10, create time to bond with them. I go to their room, lie on their bed and ask them ‘what’s up’. You can easily start a conversation just by asking how their day went. Sometimes, I listen to them gist with each other. Just listening to them can give you an idea of the things they talk about and have interest in. Starting this early helps you when they get older. They will be free to share their fears, secrets and joys with you.
The Joys of Motherhood
Nothing makes a mother happy than to see that her children are doing very well. Every mother wants to be proud of their child or children. I think that’s why they can go to any length to see them succeed. I have had different reasons to celebrate my children. I have five children, so, definitely, we celebrated different achievements at different times. The celebrations of milestones and achievements in the lives of children help to reinforce their significance as unique individuals.
My 1st daughter was the first to get married and that has always been my prayer; my own first fruit, the one who opened the door of motherhood in my life. Her wedding day was my happiest day. It was a day of fulfillment and utmost happiness. I left no stone unturned. My husband at a stage was irritated, I guess he probably had mixed feelings as he just couldn’t understand the excitement. Honestly, I couldn’t be bothered and I was determined that no one would kill my joy. It was a joyous and memorable day indeed.
My 2nd daughter graduated from school at the age of 19. She has always been a bookworm but graduating at that age with distinctions made me a proud and happy mother. I just couldn’t help the excitement in me. The entire family went for the graduation and of course, I went all out to make it a memorable day. My husband was very excited too.
My 3rd daughter had a set of twins. As a young wife, I actually prayed for twins. In fact, I took fertility tablets but it just didn’t happen. I should have known that God had other plans. When she gave birth to the twins – two boys, my joy was over the moon. It became clearer to me that God really does answer prayers but not our way. I prayed for twins and my daughter had the twins. I honestly can’t still get over the excitement of being grandma ‘IBEJI’.
My son and 4th child got married to a Hausa girl. We had to get gifts for her according to their tradition which is similar to the Yoruba’s engagement ceremony. I couldn’t even stop buying. I just couldn’t imagine my son getting married. We went to Kano for the ceremony and that was a happy day for me. It felt great to have an addition to my family, another Mrs Abiola Ajimobi. I gave her a special name – Morenike (found someone to pamper). She remains a special gift to me
My last child graduated on the 22nd of July 2019. My baby graduating made me so happy. I couldn’t stop thanking God. I had a great sense of fulfillment. It was a special day as we celebrated her. My husband was also so happy. At last, our last child is done with school.
Being a Grandma
How can I even begin to explain the magic that took over when I found out I was going to be a Grandparent? After my 1st daughter got married, I found my mind drifting to thoughts of soon becoming a Grandma. My own baby girl having a baby and in turn, giving me the coveted title of “Grandma. Witnessing the birth of each of my grandchildren for me was the greatest joy. I fell in love with each one of them immediately they are out of their mothers’ womb. It was an experience like nothing else. I made sure I was present and available at each birth and after to help my girls. Though it was tough and hectic, I wasn’t going to miss the joy. I found a way to manage helping my children as well as taking care of my husband.
Being a Grandma was a role I was honored to accept because I knew that being a grandparent is a luxury. Not everyone is fortunate enough to live long to see their grandchildren. I am so grateful for the fountain of youth in my life that now comes in the form of seven adorable boys and one beautiful girl, as well as the others God will bless me with.
I am a happy woman. I am a blessed mother. Children are blessings. Motherhood is a huge privilege and responsibility and I am glad I have been able to share these few things with you. Beyond all the points made, I admonish you to commit your children unto God’s hand. He alone knows the plans. He has for them and you can be rest assured that His plans are good. You cannot raise them with mere logic. You need the wisdom of God. You can’t raise them alone. You also need a safe space or support system to hold your hands when you start to have challenges. It may be the loss of your spouse as in my case or a special needs child, whatever the case, ensure that you have God-fearing people around you who are willing to provide a shoulder to lean on.
